Dear Wicked Witch of the uncle's fianc�e variety,

Just a brief note from me, to say that it was such fun to have the pleasure of your company on Christmas Day. To have you rudely butt into our conversations, bringing up the subject of your Upcoming World Famous Cocktail Party every sixteen seconds was a wonderful Christmas present, let me tell you! How did you sense that we were all itching to hear about it so badly?

And how on earth did you realise how much The Sisters and I were desperate to be your waitresses at the party? I am immesurably grateful for the way you put us right on the spot, demanding our services in front of everyone as we sat around the Christmas dinner table. (May I congratulate you on that- it really was the perfect moment to ask us.) We really weren't offended at all- we would love to work our asses off for you while you swan around in your off-the-rack last seasons little black Versace wannabe dress and show off in front of all your corrupt business contacts.

Whilst we're talking about Christmas, I really did love the way you turned every conversation around so it was centred on you. It was fascinating to hear about all the dental surgery you had done in the USA, and all the D-list celebrities you met while you were there, and the way you were going to print the little sticky labels for the hors d'oeuvres at The Party, and what you had for breakfast that morning. I could barely tear myself away when it was time to eat.

I did so love the tour you insisted we took at Christmas last year, when you had just succeeded in getting your claws into my uncle so far that you persuaded him to buy a house six times bigger than a family of ten would ever need. (Whoever would have guessed that a whole year later, you would still be lamenting about making the SAME pair of curtains! I do agree though, shop-bought curtains are FAR too sub-standard for someone of your impeccable social status.)

You have a wonderful talent for opening your mouth without thinking and inadvertantly insulting members of my family- I'm sure they are all as much in awe of this as I am. And I know your many other talents don't go unnoticed either. I can't speak for anyone else, but I am in constant awe at the way you can turn your nose up at everything- and even after that expensive nose job you had done privately four years ago, and thought no-one knew about! Of course there rest of us mere townspeople can only dream about having such perfect noses... I especially love the way your fabulous unblemised one is juxtaposed with all the wrinkles on your face.

Well, I'll sign off here, because suddenly I have the urge to go and look at the Christmas photos again- you know all the ones you stuck your witchy head into without any of us realising? They're lovely pictures, I'll have to dip them in acid and burn them send copies to you.

Have a wonderful new year, die soon.

Death wishes from ==== xxx

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